DAVID MERRY
The Evolution of the Corporate Golfer
Hi, and welcome to my column. I have to start out by explaining who the hell I am and what exactly I do on this planet.
My name is David Merry and I'm a golf professional, a stand up comic and a magician. (I initially sold dry wall door to door, and before that I was an Amish electrician.) I know it sounds like an odd combination of jobs but I have been using these loves of mine in life for over 25 years. When not performing on cruise ships, in Las Vegas or Atlantic City, I can be found applying my trades at corporate golf tournaments around the world.
I started performing at golf outings 15 years ago and have done some 1400 events since. These peculiar passions have taken me to some of the best tournaments and golf courses in the world, including the 2000 U.S. Open and the 2001 Skins Game. I've also played in events on the Canadian Tour, Great Lakes Tour, and North Atlantic Tour.
I had been a stand up comedian for 15 years , and had been to many corporate golf outings and watched many local celebrities hosting the "after golf" ceremonies. The idea for what I do now started to materialize around that time. I put all my "services" together in a golf package and haven't looked back. The Golf Comic was born.
The point of this pre-amble is that I've been to a lot of these corporate golf events, and have seen everything you can imagine at them! Yes, my friends, there are golfers on this planet, and then there are the "corporate golfers". Corporate golfers create tons of revenue for the golf courses, but the result of getting these guys together is usually a hack fest!
The very essence of a corporate golf day is just plain weird. If you're invited to a corporate ski trip you better bloody well know how to ski when you show up. The consequences could be quite traumatic if you say that you can ski but you actually can't. The same however isn't true on the corporate golf day. It just seems odd to have so many people show up to play who seem to have never held a club before this very moment.
I will be out on the practice range, helping people with their swings and giving tips before they head out to play their round. It still amazes me the number of participants who have never swung a club before but are here to play golf. Consider just the cost of sending this golfer to represent your company at this tournament. It can cost upwards of $2,000 for some events to send one guy or gal, who doesn't even know which end of the club is the handle!
Luckily you need little skill to sign in, sit in the cart, drink beer and smooze all day. If you've been into the "Rye and Nyquil" then most likely your playing partners are half hammered and won't notice which end of the club you're holding anyway. And odds are even hammered you won't break an arm or leg on while playing corporate golf....that corporate ski trip however is another matter.
Another thing I've noticed change over the years are the communication tools players are sporting these days. I was waiting on the tee for the next 4-some to try and "beat the pro", when a cart pulls up with a guy you would swear was Batman, utility belt and all! He had two pagers, cell phone, a divot repair tool and a blackberry all attached to his belt. I was amazed that he could stand up, let alone swing a golf club. (Truth be told he did list a bit starboard.) The only thing missing were the bat cuffs! I know that some of the higher end private courses don't allow cell phones anywhere on the property.....and rightly so I might add.
How many times have you been playing and one of your partners takes a phone call? I hate that. I have a friend who's in contracting (building houses, not the Soprano's thing). This guy is never off the phone, I actually avoid games with him now...he drives me up the wall. To be honest with you I'm not sure his driveway goes to his garage. Why would you ruin a supposed day of relaxation by bringing your work with you? It defeats the whole purpose. The only thing worse than someone talking on the phone is when it rings during your back swing! Good God people, check messages at the turn or when you're done, cased closed!
Maybe the biggest thing I think I've noticed that's changed over the years is the number of ball marks and divots. Sometimes after I finish playing in one of these tourney's and have a few hours before I have to "go on", I'll sneak back out for another 9 holes. It's then that you can really see the damage that gets done to the course during these company outings. Some fairways look like artillery ranges. (and not from balls landing there off the tee)
People who don't play very often are hitting the odd green with their scramble 4-somes and often don't bother to fix the impact craters from their great shot. It's not that they're being mean or rude, it's just such an anomaly for them to hit a green in the first place, no less in a tourney! it throws them off. It can start to look like Bosnia on the greens towards the end of the day. We really need the marshall's making sure these groups know to repair the greens. Most people will do it if they knew they were supposed to and reminded of such.
The other faux pas of course is not putting divots back….and I’ve seen some biggies. I’m not talking about a Kate Winslett shot (a little fat but otherwise perfect) I’m talking about the guy who reaches the earth’s core. You know the guy…..he’s got a five piece takeaway, three different swing planes and no clue where the bottom of his arc is, who attacks the ball like he works in a quarry. I saw one divot that should have come with installation and under pad. You could have taken it home to practice on, it was THAT BIG.
Police your own group and the fairways will thank you by providing great roll, good lies and eternal beauty until the next group of corporate hackers come along.
The old saying goes “Please replace the turf or we’ll have to re- turf the place!”
Cheers
Happy Corporate golfing this summer, beer anyone?
David Merry can be reached at merryent@rogers.com and his web site is www.davidmerry.com
